You are fancy and you sparkle like Edward or whoever that ridiculous vampire the kids are all goofy over. Many of your pants fit you, and often your shirts are clean enough to wear. Some people think that you are nice and do not smell horrific, despite your bathing habits, and you possess the cutest dog in the kingdom.
Yet you forget to cram food in your massive cakehole, and then drink all the wine. Now, is this any way to treat you, you? Of course not! If you had a guest here, you would be tripping over your strangely misshapen feet to ensure that they were fed and happy and had everything they needed to be happy and comfortable and not die a hermit’s death.
So treat yourself like a guest, self. Trip your way into the kitchen and cook up some of that delicious bacon you purchased with your adult money earlier today, and eat some food. YOU DESERVE THE BEST, BUDDY!